Thursday, April 29, 2010

Think'st Thou I'd Make a Life of Jealousy

Some people are jealous when they see their doctor pull up to his office in his new sports car that cost more than many of his patients homes. Others are jealous of corporate CEO's or high powered attorneys. Many are fond of money and power but have no access to either in their lives. Me? Well, as you know I'm a little different, quite strange to many. My own family and friends are quite baffled sometimes. I get a little jealous when I see a person many would refer to as a bum.

"Huh?!" you say and shake your head in bewilderment. Hear me out. I'm not talking about homeless families in shelters and out of work due to various circumstances. I'm not talking about the drunks and addicts that beg for money at intersections. I'm talking about that guy you saw on the interstate with the raggedy backpack, and that other guy that stayed in town for a while reading the encyclopedias one at a time at the local library during the day and fishing at the river in the evening.

"Are you crazy?" you ask. Perhaps. But I see them as possessing an infinite supply of free time. They have all the time they want to wallow in a timeless world of paperback books. They can escape into the woods and enjoy nature for days if they wish. They have no obligations, no toilets to scrub, no lawns to mow, no closets to organize, or walls to paint, and best of all they have no soul sucking jobs to report to.

I know the reality, they are out there due to difficulties and they certainly didn't choose their hardships. Some have health issues, some fell on hard times, and most would live differently if they had a chance. But there is this little part of my mind that romanticizes their plight. I daydream about what if I were out there and traveling from one state to another, cooking simple meals over a campfire, reading as long as I liked, and having all the time I wanted to write. I know it's silly they aren't grown Huck Finn's of the interstate, but, I can't help daydreaming and becoming just a little jealous.

April, I stole my title from Othello in honor of you. You inspired me to give Shakespeare one more try.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I Don't Know What To Call This One...

I'm in the break room at my job eating cookies with a vengeance and writing my blog by hand on a paper towel. I couldn't be more miserable. I know I have to make changes and soon! I'm not sure at this time whether these changes will involve sprucing up my resume and taking a job somewhere else, or whether I will move or just step down from the higher position (if they will let me) at my current company. The hours are longer and they expect you to accomplish too much in too short a period of time. In addition they expect you to cashier and bag groceries as needed and keep up with your own tasks. I am fast and professional however, I can not do it all in the amount of time given. It takes a great burst of adrenalin to get most of the work done to get out on time. If you are not done in with the safe and the office locked and alarms set by an hour after closing you will be written up. If you leave some paperwork for the morning shift to complete so you get out without a writeup the morning shift will gossip about what a lousy worker you are with everyone in the morning. When you arrive for your next shift everyone greats you with a sad little smile and a twinkle in their eye and asks, "What happened last night?" You end up explaining how busy it was, how many rude drunks came in, and how far behind you were, as if it was every ones business in the first place. I have worked in retail for many years much of it in management so I know how to accomplish tasks quickly and I do have time management skills. It is just a bizarre situation at this time.

All of this brings me once again to why I haven't written. At first I was just numb after my dad passed and now I'm just completely exhausted. I'm sad and tired all the time. I don't want my blog to become a collection of writings about how life sucks. That isn't what it's meant to be. I don't want to bore anyone or bombard my readers with constant negative posts.

I do have some wonderful news in the near future. I don't want to jinx it so I'm not telling yet. I have many decisions to make and my mind is swirling with all of the possibilities. Of course, I am really concentrating on the craziest idea I came up with and daydreaming away big time. I almost have my husband convinced that my crazy idea is the choice to make. I won't be able to hold it in for long, I just want to wallow in my nuttiness a while longer before everyone tells me I'm crazy.

Thank you all for reading and for all the warm comments during my recent difficulties. I'm not sure which direction I'll be traveling but it sure is wonderful to have you along for the journey.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Here's Where I Am

It's been a long, rough month. My days start at five in the morning some days and end way past midnight every day. I've been getting extra hours because of the new position I was training for and after I started working it I realized that I hate it even more than what I was doing before. I may be making just a bit extra money but is it worth it if it feels as if it is ripping the soul from my being. I guess you can tell, I am immensely unhappy with my work life.

I had just spoken with my job about taking a week off for an emergency trip to help my sister care for our father. The next morning he passed. I worked one more night and left the next afternoon. Already exhausted from working right up until we left and rushing out with no preparation it was a rough trip up. Funny thing was despite the circumstances it was such a relief to be away from work for a while. It made me realize I should stop waiting until I am ready to move and try to find another job now and get out of there. Life is too short to hate what I do and have work nightmares all the time. It isn't the type of work or the people that bothers me. It is the corporate nonsense I suppose, all the little things added up that make no sense at all. It is also a corporation that cares little for the employees and has the former lawsuits that prove it.

My time away was spent running about with my fathers final arrangements and trying to help my sister. My sister had been staying with my father in his apartment as his caregiver. Since she is wheelchair bound, in truth they were each others caregivers. As soon as he passed the apartment management gave my sister an official notice that she had exactly two weeks to vacate the apartment. It was a mad dash but I think she has a place to move to now.

My sister waited for me to arrive so that I could write the obituary. She handled all the other arrangements and I did the obituary and brought his ashes home with me so I can bury him sometime this summer. My brother was unable to make the trip this time. I've just been too numb to write or be involved with much of anything. I'm rambling here, but having the time away and having a brush with mortality has me wanting to make changes rapidly.